a few weeks ago marked the five-year anniversary of my move to san francisco. five years is a pretty long time.
there’s not much about my current life that my 21-year-old self would have ever fathomed. considering my first months here — depressed, lonely, lost, dependent, disenchanted — my original san francisco self would have never believed i’d still be here after this much time.
she’d also have a hard time imagining that i’ve made real friends here, friends i want to be friends with for the rest of my life. and that i have a community here and that, for the most part, i feel loved and like i belong. and that i’m in grad school (even more amazingly, close to finishing grad school). and that i live in the richmond. and that i want to do life with a native californian. and that i can actually face confrontation and deal with ugly feelings and still maintain relationships. and that i can be okay on my own (but, admittedly, am better with people). and that i know so much transit trivia and have so many muni route maps committed to memory (okay, maybe she would have believed that one. . .i’ve always been a nerd.)
of course, i’m still me. i still listen to the mountain goats when i’m nostalgisky. i still love eating burritos as big as my head. i still want to be supremely competent and productive in everything i do. i still mentally collect and archive lots of weird data. i still get ridiculously lonely for no real reason. i still eat kashi every single morning, and i still look forward to it.
and even though i couldn’t have predicted nearly any of my current life circumstances five years ago, i’m pretty happy about how things have turned out. i feel like i’ve accomplished a lot in tangible (and less tangible) ways, which is important to an achiever like me. the next five years could be even bigger than these last five. . .and i’m probably equally as unable to foresee where i’ll be then. so that’s exciting.
“if i ventured in the slipstream between the viaducts of your dream, where immobile steel rims crack and the ditch in the back roads stop. . .could you find me? would you kiss-a my eyes? to lay me down in silence easy, to be born again.” – van morrison