This has always been a struggle for me. For a long time it was physical, feeling awkward and gangly and clumsy. As I’ve grown comfortable in my own skin, I’ve grown out of that, for the most part. But confidence in general, in who I am, in terms of self-worth and all the ways that plays out in relationships and decisions and life, is always volatile.
It’s so temperamental, so easily influenced. When people treat me well, I feel good about myself. When I’m in relationships that are positive and I feel like people care about me, I feel positive and care about myself. But when someone is upset with me or dissatisfied with me or not valuing me, I have a hard time fighting feeling that way myself; I take it too much to heart; I let it have too much influence. And the cycle continues — I put up with being treated worse than I should because I believe, even if it’s subconsciously, that I don’t deserve to be treated better.
But then when I am treated better, it’s like a whole different world; I remember that I am worth listening to, worth investing in, worth opening doors for, worth walking five miles with out to the beach and back. When someone whom I value is valuing in me in return, it changes the way I see things — really, everything.
And that’s good, of course; but I do wish I were more able to pull myself out of it, or to rely on God to pull me out of it, instead of having it be tied up in other people. I suppose, in a sense, God is pulling me out of it by providing people to help build me up. But I wish I could take more confidence, God’s confidence, in who I am, what I believe in, what I’m working toward, why I am valuable. I wish it didn’t feel so changeable, so often.
“I’m bound by these choices so hard to make; I’m bound by the feeling so easy to fake. None of this is real enough to take me from you.” – Wilco