I met with Bruce tonight to discuss some MBCC business-ey stuff. Not surprisingly, the conversation waxed global — where is our church is going, how does our community grow from where we are now, how do we challenge our members, how do we deal with practical things like money and facilities and locations and space?
I don’t have any answers for those questions, but they’re exciting for me, and I want to be a part of figuring them out. I feel like I’m ready to pour myself into something. I have no practical ties right now; nothing is keeping me in my current job or housing situation; nothing is holding me back from doing. . .anything I want to do. I do feel like I need to stay in San Francisco, and I do feel like I need to stay at MBCC, but beyond that, I’m ready to do whatever — I just don’t know what that whatever is. I don’t know where to direct my very broad but very real passion.
In a lot of senses I feel like I’m where I was when I was 19 — obviously I’ve grown and learned a lot since then, but I remember how it felt going into my first summer in San Francisco, when everything was an unknown, when I felt like anything could happen, when I had no clue what life would look like at the end of those three months. I was forever changed that summer. Life was totally different after it; a whole different world opened up. And now, I’m in that world, I live here — so what am I going to do about it?
I want to be interacting, I want to be living. I’ve always felt, to a degree, like I’m in some space between binaries, that there are mutually exclusive “ways of life,” and I need to choose between them — there’s the normal, comfortable, responsible, reasonable life, and there’s the life that is lived with passion, spent making a difference, taken over by something really meaningful. And the more I live, the more I’m convinced that there isn’t much of a middle ground — either you’re in or you’re out. As I’ve been saying so much lately, it just comes down to making a decision.
But right now, I feel like the possibilities are just so vast that it’s paralyzing. When you feel like you can do anything, what do you do?
“I wanna give you whatever you need. What is it you need? Is it within me?” – DC