I don’t feel like writing about any of the things on The List tonight; I feel like writing about the thing that informs them, the thing that really informs everything for me right now.
I’ll admit that it’s somewhat cheesy, but it is true, as Dale puts it — everything would be much simpler if it weren’t for The Jesus Factor. It’s kind of like the “on paper” perspective: On paper, my life is perfect. I have everything I should want. And I do appreciate the good fortune I’ve had; it’s not a matter of being ungrateful. It’s the fact that it isn’t enough. Having these things I’m “supposed” to have isn’t enough for me. I want more. I want to do more, be more, feel more, make more of a difference. I want my actions, my life, to be meaningful.
And it’s all because of Jesus — that sense of being called to something higher, having some greater force to answer to, wanting to live like he did. If it weren’t for The Jesus Factor, I think I would be about 98% satisfied with my life right now. But because of it, I know I’ll never be satisfied; I’ll always be striving to do more, to keep struggling and growing into who I am called to be, who I was made to be. And no, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially in the end; I know that. But in the moment, it sure is annoying, especially during these times when I am so desperately seeking direction, vision, purpose, and clarity — and having such trouble finding it.
“All we’ve got to show what we really are is the same kind of scars. And looking at you, all I see is you’re waiting for something, single file. . .” – Elliott Smith